Home > Humor of the Week Archive Detail

<< Prev 1/14/2007 Next >>

Press Release

Physicists Discover World's Heaviest Element---Nearly Everywhere

The heaviest element know to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic number is zero. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistants to the vice neutrons, giving an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called memos.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it is present. According to one of the discoverers of the element, a very small amount of administratium made one reaction, that normally takes less than a second, take over four days.

Administratium has a half-life of about three years, at which time it does not actually decay. Instead it undergoes a reorganization in which the assistants to the neutron, vice neutrons and assistants to the vice neutrons exchange place. Some studies have indicated that its mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that administratium might occur naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist, administratium is most likely to be found on college and university campuses and in large corporation and government centers, near the best-appointed and best-maintained building.